Microsoft 1.1 SE: The Whole Story...Ok, Part of it

What do we REALLY want from Bill Gates and the team at Microsoft? 

No...no...a working operating system doesn't count. And yes, Bill Gate's personal Lear jet would be nice, but...

Yes, yes the cool Microsoft Compound would be a great place to throw your Christmas party, however...

Yes, yes..all of Bill Gate's money would be quite the windfall, nevertheless, you all need to shut up while I get on with this decisive, in-depth expose on all things Microsoft.

Thank you.




Part 1 of Part 1: The DOS version 
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We have all become so accustomed to hitting the reset button on our PCs that we sometimes forget where we are and end up flushing the toilet twice.

And of course, just where would we be if it weren't for Microsoft's 'seamless' application of Windows programs? - Microsoft Office, Microsoft Explorer, Microsoft Chat, Microsoft Front Page, Microsoft Outlook, Microsoft Visual Basic, Microsoft Toothbrush, Microsoft Personal Vibrator, and so on. 

And then there are those indispensable items like my briefcase, my documents, my favorites, my desktop...an other such original ideas, painstakingly hammered out in long and often violent meetings at the Microsoft home office.

But I digress. 

Let us reminisce a bit, and go back to the days when many of you hopped the 'A train' onto the computer superhighway, along with the rest of us, who switched over from the B Train at Newark. 

I refer you to those timid young boys in the coke bottle-black rimmed glasses and white short sleeve shirts, which most of you amusingly referred to as computer geeks, then beat up in high school. In other words, your bosses, the ones with the new aqua-colored contact lenses, the $1000 Pierre Cardin suits and the money laundering businesses in Jersey.


Part 1.1: The Patch 
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It all began for Windows with the excruciatingly slow Microsoft Windows 3.1, from which we all enjoyed hours of fun on playing Pong. Thereafter, Bill and the boys at Microsoft unveiled the 'much improved' Microsoft Window 3.11, where they added the -file open- command. 

And much rejoicing followed.

Microsoft Windows 3.11 beget Microsoft Windows 3.12, and after much debate and infighting, the -file close- button was added in what Bill Gates referred to as a major leap forward in 'streamlining usability' for the thousands of Microsoft users around the globe... 

Or the greater Tri State area. 

Microsoft 3.13 should have followed, but after an all-night sugar fest at the local Dunkin Donuts, Team Microsoft, who at that time could all fit into a 1973 AMC Pacer, decided to forego all traditional naming conventions and rename their new product Windows 95! 

And much rejoicing followed.

In 1996, the uncensored and completely unauthorized biography of the Microsoft team, called 'A Bunch Of Computer Geeks Who Now Own Small Islands,' hit the stands in which it was undeniably confirmed by a guy named Guido, (who was really a guy named Herbert), that Bill Gates was indeed the richest guy on the planet, and thus, could afford to buy a sport utility vehicle the size of the Vatican.

And much rejoicing followed.

Microsoft decided to severe relations with the Rolling Stones soon after abusing the song 'Start Me Up' on the worldwide promo of Windows 95, as he realized he couldn't get them to sign on for promoting the next 412 releases of Windows 95, on account of the fact that they would all be dead before they could fulfill their contract. 

He is currently deep in negotiations with Barry Manilow.


Coming Up: Part 1.1 SE 
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Also Coming Up: 

My Part: The folder In which we discuss Microsoft's naming convention, and discover that an old copy of Bill's childhood "My Alphabet Book" was to have played an integral part...

Part 74: In which we completely forget about parts 2-73!

Part Innocent: The Court Case This part could last well into the next decade and take up all or part of your tax dollars, in which I will loudly proclaim that whatever it is, I didn't do it, and quickly announce Part Phoenix: The code name.

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